of all people i expect more from you. i really respect you for all you have done. really see ur heart to want to honour God and love people. perhaps you are tired or you just werent in the mood to deal with what i am presenting to you. but rvrn if i am wrong, can you dont dismiss me like that? you are the leader, God placed you in authority, true.. but God place me in your team too isn't it. zzz.

even when you listen, it seems like you're not. stop all the evaluation. i dont even need you to reflect and evaluate youself. save that process if nth is going to be done.

and btw, this is not part of the rumours gng around. this is what i felt for myself.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 08/02/10 10:46 AM Comments (0)

God i pray for strength to do Your will.

i haven't been determined enough, disciplined enough but i pray that all of these change. i will no longer blame circumstances or the people around me. it will be hard but God, help me, let Your favour be on me as i desire to do Your will. i desire the days when things were much simpler, when i see You and sense You everywhere everytime.

God, i really long so much for Your presence to fill my life again. i can be stubborn about so many things, i might want to hold on to so much, but God, You see my heart and my desire to feel You and know You in every single thing that i do. You know this is true, and for even the times when i lose focus and deviate from what pleases You, this desire and yearning for You remains because You created me like that; i was born with a void that only You can fill.

more than what i can do and what i will do, and whatever purpose You have for me, i was born to love You, to seek You, to honour and glorify You. i do stupid things all the time and i know, as much as i try not to, i have broken your heart so many times. i am jaded God. the things people say, the things they do, well, it is just making it harder and harder to recognise Your voice and Your presence. it's painful God, so painful to live in this world. there is no value and meaning if You are not real, and really You are my only hope, only real thing that helps me live through each day.

i want You. i need You. my heart is broken. people don't care for this heart enough and so many times i struggle to trust, to love and to sacrifice for them, but if all these means a little more of You in my life, it's worth it. i miss You so much. life has been so confusing, so perplexing and often it's the people i love most that causes the most pain. it makes me want to withdraw, to give up, to runaway and disappear altogether, but God help me fix my eyes on You; wherever You place me, there i will live a life that will glorify You. i mean it for now, and always.

i may not love You right, i may not love You enough, yet i love You with all the imperfect love within me.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 01/02/10 1:30 AM Comments (0)

wah. sub d totally blew me off! ((:

really thank God for such a message. (: really just want to have faith and love God truly for who He is. honestly i feel so far from being adequate, but regardless, i just want to try and strive for what will bring a smile to the Father's face.

lol. and e stars were shining for me. (: again!

i bet soon a lot of weird and conflicting issues will come along because the doing is definitely harder than the saying and often we do not get it right the first time. but i am adamant to try and i know like a child taking on her first few steps, i will fall, but also like a child it's only a matter of time before i walk, and then run, and subsequently be part of the race for the glory and honour of our Heavenly Father.

have been weird lately. and will always be wierd. hahahahaha. but thanks for understanding.

after sub d ytd, i was a little shaky but more than ever i really wanna do what is honouring to God! ((: happs to e max. let me try till i get it right! and this time instead of the feeling that everyone is against me, that i have to fend this off myself, i can simply take heart in the fact that i am now safe and i can be more. things have settled and i am so glad it did, though it really took so much longer than it ought have.

wheee. hahaha. i don't know how. but this yr feels like it is going to be fun, exciting and mindblowing!! ((: wheeee! medicine or not, i'm going to trust God that he has reserved a huge part in this ministry for me to play!

haha!

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 30/01/10 2:20 AM Comments (0)

hahaha. why do i feel so damn screwed.

lol. hahaha. who am i man. lol.

why do i feel that, instead of who i am, i am valued for what i can give. or maybe, i am just not valued at all. it's just me, i don't know, trying to find a place for myself in this world that i do not belong to.

hahaha. i am spouting so much rubbish.

i am so tired. and sad.

everyday, i grow more and more fearful of you. afraid that i'd say the wrong things. do the wrong things. and the last time i felt like this was so long ago. i don't like this feeling. i feel so pressurised around you. i feel like i need to be careful of what i say, how i react, and remember the whole list of what you like, and what you don't. and the truth is, we are so damn different.

why must i ever know you?

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 29/01/10 8:28 AM Comments (0)

oh bother. rawr. i need to spend more time doing my qt and really hear from God himself. >.<

i have been feeling so jaded lately. and i think for the past many months i have been allowing myself to think so much, even for those unimpt stuff, or even after i have gone thro a cycle of thots and arrive back on e same ones. often i find myself thinking the same things, saying the same things and it's not an issue except that it gets me very caught up in my own world and caught up abt things that seriously don't matter. i am getting worn out by myself; my hypothetical questions that really don't matter. sigh.

the past 6 mths, i became part of the group that enjoys talking about ideals that none of us are anywhere close to. it's ironic, like watching the pot calling the kettle black and the kettle calling the pot black over and over again. it reminds me of one of my kinders calling another kid childish. hahaha. i wonder how does God perceive all of these. does he laugh it off like i did? or is he just i don't know sick of all these unedifying behaviour?

you know, more than wanting to untangle myself from all these and declare that i am different, i don't know, i just want to be ignorant and play it safe. i shall just do whatever i am told to, and e remaining time, i shall just be with myself and do e things tt i like to do. e way i like to do them.

truth is, i still feel controlled and restricted, and more so than ever before, i feel like i am taken out of me and forced to live another life, a more biblical one as i am told, but if that is e reason, why do i feel further away from God? why do i doubt my convictions? why do i feel like i need to act and do sth to prove my worth even tho it's not like i am commanded or i don't know compelled to be like tt? it's just a pressure thing. like i am pressurised to act like this, to be like that. is that what they mean of more of you and less of me?! then why do i not feel u anymore? why do i feel like e stars are no longer shining for me?! what went wrong? is it me? i am growing more insecure with each passing day, weary, tired and totally not refreshed. i am who i am because of what i do. i know i am not supposed to feel like that, and sure we are given a spirit of self control and stuff but hell, can someone tell me what the hell is going on in me?! i am so lost. and i feel like i am living under tight scrutiny. i know all so bcos christ gave up his rights, we too give up ours, there's no need for privacy' stuff. but also there is no more fun. nah there is, but they are all so shortlived! so... useless.

i used to have joy simply being alone, just God and me. honestly, not anymore.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 28/01/10 2:52 AM Comments (0)

rawr. today's sermon hurt so badly. ):

i remember telling my shepherd a few months ago how i felt like peter. and to see all my thoughts and emotions summarized into today's sermon was, well, damn painful.

i never heard the sequel to the story. i never realized that there was a continuation to peter's denial. and i never knew the meaning behind the famous question of "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" I never realized that jesus deliberately came back to forgive peter, to give him a second chance to come back to him and also another chance at a life to the fullest.

and i am glad i learned that today.

it was painful, digging up all the past hurts, and i could not stop crying. could not stop the pain from overwhelming me again and again. could not stop hating myself. for wanting so much to destroy this part of me. and like how wenjiang put it, it hurts to know that my nature is as such. that i am .. like that. and i never meant my promise when i said that i will give up anything and everything for God and to obey him at all cost.

i hate myself for ever losing sight of God, for ignoring him even when i saw his pain, for forgetting all the blessings he has showered me with, and my identity as his child.

i deserve to die.

and then again, i thank God for revealing this side of me. i am thankful that though my existence is a disgrace, i am still loved for all that i am not. there are those who are loved because of their faithfulness and those who are loved for their righteousness, but i am loved because God chose to love me, and that i know so, because even when i lost all of those that are pleasing to him, he was still with me, and he still comforted me and loved me.

i am sorry God. i am sorry.

i don't know how to prioritize really. i am all over the place now. i need your hand in my life. i need you to guide me so much. i need you to help me do things right. because i can't. i really can't. i don't know what is right and what is not. i don't know. i wish someone can tell me. i wish you can tell me. i wish you can help me be right.

i know i am a disappointment, and honestly, i don't know how i am going to live this life anymore. but precisely so, i am handing it all over to you. i have no say now. i am placing the reins into your hands. guide me.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 23/01/10 2:19 PM Comments (0)

God, You have been good to me, and You have helped me understand so much about my life, and the things happening around me. I feel like a trauma case. Thanks for the superb medical support however, I realise how some things don't just go away like that. I need more time to bounce back from this. Overestimated myself.

I feel like someone has poured paint over my fairytale book, tore it up and threw part of it away. I have been trying to be nonchalent about this, I don't want to appear as childish, unrealistic, and spoilt. But honestly honestly, I really feel so torn apart by this. I have mopped up the paint spills, salvaged whatever remnants I could find, and to the best of my ability taped them together. But the thought of how things could have been so much better really screams at me. I am sorry I cannot let go of the past, God I need You to teach me how to let go. I thought time will do the job, but who am I kidding, time has never helped me stop clinging onto anything before; so come God come and renew me.

Just one day, and so many intrusive thoughts entered my mind. In my mind's eye I could see conflicting issues, quarrels, past hurts brought up and damn it, i am dyig already. This will be a long fight. One I will be fighting for the rest of my life. I am sorry I am weaker than I thought. at least, I promise I will draw the boundaries of this destruction closer to myself.

God, help. help. help. I am dying inside.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 22/01/10 1:31 AM Comments (0)