yellow and black is a nice colour! :D

keep it!

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 15/03/10 5:14 PM Comments (0)

i am going to die.

damn stressed. woots. exams tmr. o.o RAWRRRRR. i feel like i know somethings. but i also dnno somethings. but i dnno what i dnno. and i dnno what i know. o.o

cham!

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 11/03/10 6:24 AM Comments (0)

mm. rawr. school's been so busy and tiring. rawrs. 8 to 5 lessons AGAIN. i am so spoilt. was totally fine with 8 to 5 in the very beginning. now, it's like TORTURE. then again, syllabus is torturous. rawrs. i am SICK. ):

totally didn't want to go for caregroup. amazingly, lessons were cancelled and i decided to pon formative assessment at 1. so really tempted to go home at 1030 man. but didn't cos 1hr caregrp's at 2? )): rawr. it ended at 4 after starting at 3 anyway. )): sadded. was too sick and tired to play bball. totally went home. monday and tuesday were like really bad. had persistent chestpains. ): pon school on wed to sleep, and tt got better. but just to watch the webcasts for that day, i slept at 4.30am. >< screwed up thursday and friday.

really wish to get back to the efficiency i used to work at. i am such a loser now. rawrs. ><

happs for programming team. thank God for a team like that, really see the potential that we have, and the impact that this year's matric camp is going to have in people's lives. i can't wait for the next meeting. ((: happs to the max. BUT argh, to SOME people, pleaseeeee don't test my patience. before i explodeee somebody do something.

talked to eunice today. something about my own best and other people's perception of what my best can be. mm. got me thinking. why have i been so stressed up by the assumed expectation i think others have on me. in the end, it's really not for their eyes but God's eyes.

i am imperfect. and i am struggling. more victoriously each day than the previous.

God, give me the faith and love and humility I need to do Your will.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 26/02/10 12:57 PM Comments (0)

havent blogged in a long time. haha.

God.

i am so jaded. i want so much to go back to my previous childlikeness. i want to experience you so deeply once again.

everyone has something to say. some ask me to seek you more. some ask me if i really seek you right. some ask if my focus has been wrong? if i have been counting too much on my own strength? and others if i have been trying hard enough.

and it affects me that some when they say this, have assumed that i did not actually considered all of this. haven't i? haven't i tried so hard? maybe not hard enough. but it was all trial and error. never felt convicted. just wanted so much to know You, to feel You and to love You once more.

it's not about feelings. hell i know it's not about feelings. but then again. i shouldn't be so lost. lately, i have even been thinking if it's a case of humility. of throwing aside everything, and just i don't know ignoring the spite in people's voices and simply listening for the hint of God's in theirs.

really love You God. really want to live a life with You once more. this life alone is meaningless. i'd rather be dead. it's no fun. nothing i will to stay on this Earth for. really. hurts too much to live each day. too scared. too sad. too overwhelming. i really need You. there are too many uncertainties in life that i am not strong enough to take on.

i want to be strong about this. i really don't know how. but God. teach me how. teach me how. i tried to get my studies back on track. now it's more or less stable. help me get the rest of things back on track too. i hate how emotions get magnified in me. and it becomes more than i planned to take on. but God You know my heart. help me God.

i know i said this many times. and it's becoming less meaningful each time i say it, but God i still want to learn how to love You right.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 20/02/10 5:27 PM Comments (0)

valentine's day this year has a bittersweet feeling for me. (:
like starbucks coffee with added syrup.

some scars don't go away.
some memories always stay.

plasters at 7eleven are better than those at cheers.
and mcflurry bought from drive thrus taste sweeter.



- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 16/02/10 11:22 AM Comments (0)

of all people i expect more from you. i really respect you for all you have done. really see ur heart to want to honour God and love people. perhaps you are tired or you just werent in the mood to deal with what i am presenting to you. but rvrn if i am wrong, can you dont dismiss me like that? you are the leader, God placed you in authority, true.. but God place me in your team too isn't it. zzz.

even when you listen, it seems like you're not. stop all the evaluation. i dont even need you to reflect and evaluate youself. save that process if nth is going to be done.

and btw, this is not part of the rumours gng around. this is what i felt for myself.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 08/02/10 10:46 AM Comments (0)

God i pray for strength to do Your will.

i haven't been determined enough, disciplined enough but i pray that all of these change. i will no longer blame circumstances or the people around me. it will be hard but God, help me, let Your favour be on me as i desire to do Your will. i desire the days when things were much simpler, when i see You and sense You everywhere everytime.

God, i really long so much for Your presence to fill my life again. i can be stubborn about so many things, i might want to hold on to so much, but God, You see my heart and my desire to feel You and know You in every single thing that i do. You know this is true, and for even the times when i lose focus and deviate from what pleases You, this desire and yearning for You remains because You created me like that; i was born with a void that only You can fill.

more than what i can do and what i will do, and whatever purpose You have for me, i was born to love You, to seek You, to honour and glorify You. i do stupid things all the time and i know, as much as i try not to, i have broken your heart so many times. i am jaded God. the things people say, the things they do, well, it is just making it harder and harder to recognise Your voice and Your presence. it's painful God, so painful to live in this world. there is no value and meaning if You are not real, and really You are my only hope, only real thing that helps me live through each day.

i want You. i need You. my heart is broken. people don't care for this heart enough and so many times i struggle to trust, to love and to sacrifice for them, but if all these means a little more of You in my life, it's worth it. i miss You so much. life has been so confusing, so perplexing and often it's the people i love most that causes the most pain. it makes me want to withdraw, to give up, to runaway and disappear altogether, but God help me fix my eyes on You; wherever You place me, there i will live a life that will glorify You. i mean it for now, and always.

i may not love You right, i may not love You enough, yet i love You with all the imperfect love within me.

- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 01/02/10 1:30 AM Comments (1)