today i was disappointed and frustrated with my sheep, and this is why.
i felt very hurt when i was accused of trying to get dingchuen to change lifegroup dinner venue just to make sure you come for lifegroup. i have always felt that in the past, because i always told you that lifegroup and service are not all that it is in our walk with God, you have hence often not turn up for fellowship, services, units and lifegroups altogether. hence, i decided to be deliberate in showing the importance of fellowship and commitment as well. your recent effort to do this astounded me. i was super encouraged and i really saw you in a different light.
then today, you told me you'd be late for shepherding because of your slimming session. i was quite okay with it initially 'cos you had told me earlier that this might happen. i was okay with the rescheduling too. then, you told me that you didn't want to join the lifegroup because of the slimwrap. that really made me rather upset. after all these changes, after all these prioritising? intentionally putting caregroup first? because of a slimwrap? suddenly i was wondering if it's okay to let you dwell in your insecurities and seek them out through beauty sessions that suck your money and your soul. what would Jesus do? would Jesus have stepped in to say something different? hence, i decided to simply encourage you to go for lifegroup. that was the first disappointment. yet you refused. part of me knew that whenever you make up your mind, it's useless trying to turn you around. that people's perception of you meant more to you that spending time with your lifegroup. it's almost like this is never your spiritual family. just a church thing that you must attend. there is no power, no spiritual bond between you and the group. and fellowship can grow that, but then again, you lack fellowship, and i was thinking today a slimwrap, tomorrow a ? lunch appointment with a long lost friend. an assignment that is due on monday. when will this ever end? and as a medical student i doubted so much the effects of a slimwrap. probably a marketing technique to make you believe that they are doing something which doesn't help. and sure, a few medical websites set out to prove my point.
as i was thinking i walked from ps along orchard road to find you lest you went to ps to wait for us. i found the group at cuppage left my bag there and continued to go to centrepoint starbucks and cuppage starbucks and down orchard road. thankfully, you replied. and i tried to show you what i've found. instead of seeing it as medical advice, i felt that it was dismissed as a "strategy" to get you down. then, i felt so accused when you said i asked dc to go to B1 cuppage. i was super angry. like have you always thought of me in that light? why would you think of me so? i didn't even tell dc that you'd be late. i simply told him that you'd be coming. when i could have simply crushed you by saying "she went for her slimming programme" 'cos i was so angry and frustrated. but i didn't. i was tempted to do so. but in the midst of that thought i told myself never to do it because that would be so unfair to you. yet despite this, i was accused of doing the very thing i chose not to do. and i felt even angrier when you told me that you felt it was good that you were honest to me that you saw me that way. yes that is right, being honest is great. but if you cheated on your boyfriend, will your boyfriend feel any better if you were honest about it? it's totally 2 separate issues. and next you were telling me it's up to me if i believe you or not. like what the? believe you about what? i totally believed that you did not know that you had had your portable battery. i didn't even know you brought it. and precisely 'cos i thought u didn't have it that was why i went to search for you in the first place wasn't it? why would i even do that if i knew u'd eventually check your phone. i was worried that you won't even get to see from your phone that venue has been changed.
then i read that in ur msg you said that you think i'd go all the way to have you fellowship. "all the way" but definitely not unscrupulously? when have i ever stoop so low in all my 6 mths of shepherding you? you know my stand about lifegroup, you know how i always nag at you. yet never once, have i forced it down your throat. i was disappointed. i thought i had taught you enough to realise this. i thought you knew me. yet apparently not so. and it suddenly felt so burdensome to have you as a sheep.
many times, i have struggled to keep you as a sheep. the several days when all i do during service is to wait for you come through that door, and all i receive is a message that you won't join me because you are too far away, that you think worship has ended and you think you'd only come for worship. i often ask myself whether you come to worship yourself or to worship God, it's not about making you feel good isn't it, it's about lifting God's name to the highest. the times when you cancel shepherding, or tried to cram them during lg's fellowship time. it's so tiring. it feels like whatever i do, it's useless. all i ever desire for is for you to walk closely to God, so that you can experience the wholeness of His blessings and love. yet, sometimes it feels like it's more important that God gives you what you want, then you give God what He wants. and it just overwhelms me.
after being super disappointed, i went to tell huili i wanted to give you up as a sheep. it's much too draining for me. the only time i decided to be real about how i feel about you, the real deal with all the anger, frustration and disappointment, instead of seeing where i am coming from, you became defensive. how can i ever tell you how i truly feel. how can i even teach you where God truly wants you to go? can i even be real? you say you appreciate realness, is that only for show? like a catchy phrase to say and form an impression?
but as i talked to huili, about my frustrations. huili told me it was the same old thing i brought up the last time. i was tired 'cos you ain't reaching my expectations. and i realised my expectations rose because you started to respond and fellowshipped more. i was more angry 'cos i was hurt. 'cos i felt like i gave more than all the other shepherds did, and it was not requited. i felt i wasted my time. i felt like i want to see a long overdue life transformation. you probably rebutted because you were hurt too. if a shepherd were to strike a sheep with a rod, will the sheep not bite? how do i change someone who doesn't even meet me on a regular basis. 3 times in 3 months is pathetic. i meet my shepherd more regularly than my sheep meets me.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 20/01/12 6:06 PM Comments (0)
the importance of qt. (:
help me do well for my cex!
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 08/01/12 5:40 PM Comments (0)
maybe it's acknowledging that all these romantic thoughts are eventually meaningless musings of our minds. maybe it's having lesser time, and learning that in reality, love doesn't happen the way we always believed it to be. or maybe, through all the ups and downs, something was lost, and something within died.
haven't blogged for so long.
perhaps there has been little events that call for an introspective moment of the mind. perhaps, my hectic life leaves little time for such fancy leisure. it doesn't matter, because it beats those time when i merely spend hrs and hrs reflecting and crying, facing a screen that helps to summarize and contain all my thoughts and emotions. i don't want those days back. maybe i was stronger then.
i know how i used to adore reading my past entries. reliving memories, both happy and painful. learning and relearning from my past mistakes, and later using each of them as a testimony onto my life. haha.
i was quite taken aback when a highly rated movie like this meant nothing more to me than a bollywood advertisment. i used to spend hrs and hrs watching idol dramas and feeling for each of them. i used to empathise with every character in the movie. and every inspiring movie used to change a little of me at the end of the day. not anymore. perhaps the hospitals desensitized me. taken aback. but i am not going to change anything anyway. my life is good as it is now. and nothing has to change.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 12/11/11 4:01 AM Comments (0)
i can't get down to doing my qt, hence i figured i might as well blog.
thanks for your prayer. or rather prayers.
hey God.
i've learnt to trust less of me. to depend less on my past achievements. to see myself as who i really am. i realised at the very core of my being, sinful or blameless, i still need you. without you, my world crumbles. it shuts down. it loses all the meaning there is to this entire life thing. a part of me stops functioning and wonder what to do next. there's no direction. no desire to live at all. and everyday is just every other day. i really need you.
i hope at the end of the year, i'd look back, and be in marvel of the extent i've grown. which i always do. despite the circumstances.
i thank you for all i have now. and i really just pray that you'd continue to keep me close to you. to help me walk in your ways. to love the people you have placed in my life. and to cherish those who cherish me with all their heart.
i will look past their flaws and beyond, to how you perceive them. and, i'd love them with the passion and hope you love them with.
not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of God.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 04/10/11 3:14 AM Comments (0)
i am running out of love.
everyone's getting on my nerves.
i am unproductive. unhappy. irritated.
and i dont feel loved.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 03/10/11 7:04 AM Comments (0)
nights when the pain becomes a numbing soothing comfort.
knowing in the very least, you're still fighting a battle that you have not given up on yet.
strengthen my heart Lord.
not my will, but Yours be done.
for Your thoughts and ways are higher and beyond mine.
Yours plans to prosper us and not to hurt us.
Your grace is more than sufficient for me.
and i can be more than conquerors,
because when i am weak, You are strong.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 29/09/11 3:05 AM Comments (0)
it really feels like it's going to be like that always.
i have the confidence, i have the faith that it'd work out. but i can't seem to believe that all these images would stop haunting me.
go away already. i didn't even witness any of you. you're all just figments of my imagination.
but it's like how i visualized the world war to be. i was not part of it. but through stories and pictures, i piece things together, and the war plays within my mind even though i was never part of it. what's so scary about it was its reality. not simply because i didn't witness it.
having to live with reality is painful. and sometimes, i feel so weak. but i know it's possible. it's just annoyingly painful.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 26/09/11 12:13 PM Comments (0)