Proverbs 2
Make Insight Your Priority
1-5 Good friend, take to heart what I'm telling you; collect my counsels and guard them with your life.
Tune your ears to the world of Wisdom;
set your heart on a life of Understanding.
That's right—if you make Insight your priority,
and won't take no for an answer,
Searching for it like a prospector panning for gold,
like an adventurer on a treasure hunt,
Believe me, before you know it Fear-of-God will be yours;
you'll have come upon the Knowledge of God.
6-8 And here's why: God gives out Wisdom free,
is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding.
He's a rich mine of Common Sense for those who live well,
a personal bodyguard to the candid and sincere.
He keeps his eye on all who live honestly,
and pays special attention to his loyally committed ones.
9-15 So now you can pick out what's true and fair,
find all the good trails!
Lady Wisdom will be your close friend,
and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion.
Good Sense will scout ahead for danger,
Insight will keep an eye out for you.
They'll keep you from making wrong turns,
or following the bad directions
Of those who are lost themselves
and can't tell a trail from a tumbleweed,
These losers who make a game of evil
and throw parties to celebrate perversity,
Traveling paths that go nowhere,
wandering in a maze of detours and dead ends.
16-19 Wise friends will rescue you from the Temptress—
that smooth-talking Seductress
Who's faithless to the husband she married years ago,
never gave a second thought to her promises before God.
Her whole way of life is doomed;
every step she takes brings her closer to hell.
No one who joins her company ever comes back,
ever sets foot on the path to real living.
20-22 So—join the company of good men and women,
keep your feet on the tried-and-true paths.
It's the men who walk straight who will settle this land,
the women with integrity who will last here.
The corrupt will lose their lives;
the dishonest will be gone for good.
I am stressed and I have been not been the best of me.
I fell ill. I got never ending school work. These never get to me till recently. because of stress. and also because of guilt. from my disobedience to God.
It's true. within you, there's nothing good in me. But I do want some good in me.
Help me seek you so fervently, I flinch from any deviation from Your path. Help me Lord. Without you, there's nothing good in me.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 23/03/12 5:56 AM Comments (0)
It's so long since i journal, so long since i have any time or set aside any time to do so.
Some days I'd remember how it was great to reflect and think about who you are to me, and what you have done in my life, taking time to thank you for the good things you have done, and being still, listening to your voice.
However, right now, i allow the iphone apps steal away my attention. i'd rather know what is on my friend's mind, through facebook, twitter, whatsapp and sms, than what's on your mind. i've always taken pride in replying ppl asap, getting things done asap, but God, is that what you delight in? As i type this entry right now, time and again, my eyes glanced again and again at the red-bordered white object at the left of my computer, and my ears twitched everytime a vibration sounded. i need to be more and more in tune to your voice, more in tune to your spirit. The iphone doesn't care if i type without looking, but God you care if i know your heart and your mind.
I miss you Lord. 3 days of not doing QT. I always try to justify my actions in front of people. I mean these 3 days, it's not that i didn't do, i did, but i fell asleep doing. I was too busy. I was doing very important stuff. oh really? how important really? I could spend 5 minutes replying draw something, and not 5 minutes of QT. God, you are really low on my priority list, but ironically, I am teaching COST OF DISCIPLESHIP to my sheep today. i am not a good role model. i am really merely a work in progress. God, I pray that you help me shine despite who I am. Only you can do so.
A picture of a candle came into my mind. A candle shines when its being burnt, and it calls other candles to shine by being burnt. It's essentially calling all of the people to shine for God in this world where everything else is asking you to self-preserve.
what a beautiful analogy.
I sometimes take pride in myself for all the beautiful analogies. God, I shouldn't take credit for coming up with them, because deep down inside thro and thro, i know they come from you. But I stil do. Partly wanting to inspire others, but perhaps more so, wanting to hear their agreement when they see how this analogy relates to them too. How does it work out essentially? That we live for you and not ourselves? It defies human logic. or perhaps, everything that you called us to do, defies human logic anyway.
God. Help me.
Preparing the lesson was a painful lesson for myself.
[Eagles Wings]
Here I am waiting, abide in me, I pray
Here I am longing for You
Hide me in Your love, bring me to my knees
May I know Jesus more and more
Come live in me all my life, take over
Come breathe in me, I will rise on eagle's wings
Come live in me all my life, take over
Come breathe in me, I will rise on eagle's wings
YL reinforced what Pastor Jeff taught on what waiting on God meant. I guess for me, it's not about waiting on you? I got it all wrong. My song will be, "Here I am serving, abide in me, I pray"
I am a Martha. A Martha in your HopeKids ministry, a Martha in your HopeCentre, A Martha in med sch. There is so much to do, that sometimes I gladly take on. I'd rather serve and do than to listen to you. I don't hear you most times. Despite the fact that I always feel refreshed and happier after talking to you. I'd rather work any other day. I'd rather have something move along. I'd rather know that with the little time that I have, I spend, not talking to You, but serving you.
I do serve you wholeheartedly. I do love you God. But there must be more. If I do not know the thoughts of my Master who has called me friend. If the sheep does not know the voice of the Shepherd, a person can stand in the Shepherd's place and the sheep will never know. Help me seek you more God.
Help me surrender all these things to you. I do not want to surrender in hope that You'd help me get these things done. I seem more burdened with the tasks at hand, with my long list of to-dos. I am called to be salt and light, I must shine!
Perhaps, with my minuscular human brain, and all your grace, you'd give it to me. You know how fallible I am. But, what you call us to do, will never call us away from you but towards you. Like the lesson that I prepared for my sheep, the very lesson that I need more, taught, A disciple responds immediately to his calling, because it was God who caused him to be called.
It makes perfect sense.
I am afraid of trials God. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will not live up to be the person you want me to be. Yet, if I never let go. If I never put down all of these responsibilities, and like Isaiah, realised that as a prophet, he has sinful lips, I'd never know what it means to know you, to love you. I sing Kid's Prayer all the time in church.
Kid's Prayer
I want to know You Lord
You are a great big God
I'm young and do not know a lot
Come and be my all
I want to Love You more
Giving you my life and all
You die for me you’ve sacrificed.
I won't forget You Lord
I love You Jesus
I will grow up knowing you
I love You Jesus
I will grow up serving you
I love You Jesus
My life is saved by you
I will never forget, never forget,
I will grow up knowing you
Everytime has to be fueled first by the fact that we want to love you. Do i love you Lord? Or do i love the work you have entrusted me with? It starts with by knowing you. But apparently it means less to me. I am more eager for the achievements in your kingdom.
I have so many fears Lord. Fears that I will stumble your sheep. Fears that I will screw up Hope Centre. Fears that I am not doing enough in HopeKids. Fears that I am not salt and light in my work place.
Should fears be the fuel for my actions?
I don't want to fail, I'd grow up serving you. I don't want to fail, I'd grow up knowing you.
Nonsense. It doesn't even rhyme.
Help me God.
Be all that you are supposed to be in my life. That small portion I rented to you in my heart. It's time you move out. I know time and again, when things get piled up and messy, I'd relocate you and assigned you to the corner of my heart, to the back of my mind. But no. Even living this life, I want it to be an act of worship, not an act of service. I want to know you like Mary. I want to know you more than I know any of my patients. I want to love people Lord. Not smile at this patient, laugh with that parent, and hate all my colleagues and friends and leaders and peers who cannot get things done my way. I want to know that all these that you have blessed me with in my life, my friends, my sisters, my family, my boyfriend, my studies, my ministries, they are all by your grace. I am awed simply by typing them out. You are so much more. You are so much more. You are everything you re to me. Not the OCIP, not anything else. Let them think what they think of me, but let me get this relationship with you right.
Is anything more important than your voice? Knowing you? Acting in obedience to your commands and your will? I'd obey if I love you.
I've sinned big time in my life. Every day, I live on your grace. Help me continue to do so.
Not the salvation of my parents, not the salvation of my friends. All these are important, but it's my salvation which matters most, and as i work it out, with you, it'd be worked out. First be Mary. Who cares if everything's a mess.
Luke 10:38-42
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Only one is needed. There is no need to be worried, no need to be upset.
God, You have said it so clearly.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 03/03/12 2:47 AM Comments (0)
today i was disappointed and frustrated with my sheep, and this is why.
i felt very hurt when i was accused of trying to get dingchuen to change lifegroup dinner venue just to make sure you come for lifegroup. i have always felt that in the past, because i always told you that lifegroup and service are not all that it is in our walk with God, you have hence often not turn up for fellowship, services, units and lifegroups altogether. hence, i decided to be deliberate in showing the importance of fellowship and commitment as well. your recent effort to do this astounded me. i was super encouraged and i really saw you in a different light.
then today, you told me you'd be late for shepherding because of your slimming session. i was quite okay with it initially 'cos you had told me earlier that this might happen. i was okay with the rescheduling too. then, you told me that you didn't want to join the lifegroup because of the slimwrap. that really made me rather upset. after all these changes, after all these prioritising? intentionally putting caregroup first? because of a slimwrap? suddenly i was wondering if it's okay to let you dwell in your insecurities and seek them out through beauty sessions that suck your money and your soul. what would Jesus do? would Jesus have stepped in to say something different? hence, i decided to simply encourage you to go for lifegroup. that was the first disappointment. yet you refused. part of me knew that whenever you make up your mind, it's useless trying to turn you around. that people's perception of you meant more to you that spending time with your lifegroup. it's almost like this is never your spiritual family. just a church thing that you must attend. there is no power, no spiritual bond between you and the group. and fellowship can grow that, but then again, you lack fellowship, and i was thinking today a slimwrap, tomorrow a ? lunch appointment with a long lost friend. an assignment that is due on monday. when will this ever end? and as a medical student i doubted so much the effects of a slimwrap. probably a marketing technique to make you believe that they are doing something which doesn't help. and sure, a few medical websites set out to prove my point.
as i was thinking i walked from ps along orchard road to find you lest you went to ps to wait for us. i found the group at cuppage left my bag there and continued to go to centrepoint starbucks and cuppage starbucks and down orchard road. thankfully, you replied. and i tried to show you what i've found. instead of seeing it as medical advice, i felt that it was dismissed as a "strategy" to get you down. then, i felt so accused when you said i asked dc to go to B1 cuppage. i was super angry. like have you always thought of me in that light? why would you think of me so? i didn't even tell dc that you'd be late. i simply told him that you'd be coming. when i could have simply crushed you by saying "she went for her slimming programme" 'cos i was so angry and frustrated. but i didn't. i was tempted to do so. but in the midst of that thought i told myself never to do it because that would be so unfair to you. yet despite this, i was accused of doing the very thing i chose not to do. and i felt even angrier when you told me that you felt it was good that you were honest to me that you saw me that way. yes that is right, being honest is great. but if you cheated on your boyfriend, will your boyfriend feel any better if you were honest about it? it's totally 2 separate issues. and next you were telling me it's up to me if i believe you or not. like what the? believe you about what? i totally believed that you did not know that you had had your portable battery. i didn't even know you brought it. and precisely 'cos i thought u didn't have it that was why i went to search for you in the first place wasn't it? why would i even do that if i knew u'd eventually check your phone. i was worried that you won't even get to see from your phone that venue has been changed.
then i read that in ur msg you said that you think i'd go all the way to have you fellowship. "all the way" but definitely not unscrupulously? when have i ever stoop so low in all my 6 mths of shepherding you? you know my stand about lifegroup, you know how i always nag at you. yet never once, have i forced it down your throat. i was disappointed. i thought i had taught you enough to realise this. i thought you knew me. yet apparently not so. and it suddenly felt so burdensome to have you as a sheep.
many times, i have struggled to keep you as a sheep. the several days when all i do during service is to wait for you come through that door, and all i receive is a message that you won't join me because you are too far away, that you think worship has ended and you think you'd only come for worship. i often ask myself whether you come to worship yourself or to worship God, it's not about making you feel good isn't it, it's about lifting God's name to the highest. the times when you cancel shepherding, or tried to cram them during lg's fellowship time. it's so tiring. it feels like whatever i do, it's useless. all i ever desire for is for you to walk closely to God, so that you can experience the wholeness of His blessings and love. yet, sometimes it feels like it's more important that God gives you what you want, then you give God what He wants. and it just overwhelms me.
after being super disappointed, i went to tell huili i wanted to give you up as a sheep. it's much too draining for me. the only time i decided to be real about how i feel about you, the real deal with all the anger, frustration and disappointment, instead of seeing where i am coming from, you became defensive. how can i ever tell you how i truly feel. how can i even teach you where God truly wants you to go? can i even be real? you say you appreciate realness, is that only for show? like a catchy phrase to say and form an impression?
but as i talked to huili, about my frustrations. huili told me it was the same old thing i brought up the last time. i was tired 'cos you ain't reaching my expectations. and i realised my expectations rose because you started to respond and fellowshipped more. i was more angry 'cos i was hurt. 'cos i felt like i gave more than all the other shepherds did, and it was not requited. i felt i wasted my time. i felt like i want to see a long overdue life transformation. you probably rebutted because you were hurt too. if a shepherd were to strike a sheep with a rod, will the sheep not bite? how do i change someone who doesn't even meet me on a regular basis. 3 times in 3 months is pathetic. i meet my shepherd more regularly than my sheep meets me.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 20/01/12 6:06 PM Comments (0)
the importance of qt. (:
help me do well for my cex!
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 08/01/12 5:40 PM Comments (0)
maybe it's acknowledging that all these romantic thoughts are eventually meaningless musings of our minds. maybe it's having lesser time, and learning that in reality, love doesn't happen the way we always believed it to be. or maybe, through all the ups and downs, something was lost, and something within died.
haven't blogged for so long.
perhaps there has been little events that call for an introspective moment of the mind. perhaps, my hectic life leaves little time for such fancy leisure. it doesn't matter, because it beats those time when i merely spend hrs and hrs reflecting and crying, facing a screen that helps to summarize and contain all my thoughts and emotions. i don't want those days back. maybe i was stronger then.
i know how i used to adore reading my past entries. reliving memories, both happy and painful. learning and relearning from my past mistakes, and later using each of them as a testimony onto my life. haha.
i was quite taken aback when a highly rated movie like this meant nothing more to me than a bollywood advertisment. i used to spend hrs and hrs watching idol dramas and feeling for each of them. i used to empathise with every character in the movie. and every inspiring movie used to change a little of me at the end of the day. not anymore. perhaps the hospitals desensitized me. taken aback. but i am not going to change anything anyway. my life is good as it is now. and nothing has to change.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 12/11/11 4:01 AM Comments (0)
i can't get down to doing my qt, hence i figured i might as well blog.
thanks for your prayer. or rather prayers.
hey God.
i've learnt to trust less of me. to depend less on my past achievements. to see myself as who i really am. i realised at the very core of my being, sinful or blameless, i still need you. without you, my world crumbles. it shuts down. it loses all the meaning there is to this entire life thing. a part of me stops functioning and wonder what to do next. there's no direction. no desire to live at all. and everyday is just every other day. i really need you.
i hope at the end of the year, i'd look back, and be in marvel of the extent i've grown. which i always do. despite the circumstances.
i thank you for all i have now. and i really just pray that you'd continue to keep me close to you. to help me walk in your ways. to love the people you have placed in my life. and to cherish those who cherish me with all their heart.
i will look past their flaws and beyond, to how you perceive them. and, i'd love them with the passion and hope you love them with.
not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of God.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 04/10/11 3:14 AM Comments (0)
i am running out of love.
everyone's getting on my nerves.
i am unproductive. unhappy. irritated.
and i dont feel loved.
- written.by.a.child.of.God. at. 03/10/11 7:04 AM Comments (0)